I am not really sure what it is? The itch? The sorrow? My daughters age? I really feel as if I am in some form of a transformation. I have always known since the day my husband passed that he was not coming back. In this 7th year though I miss him terribly, he was love, light and power all wrapped up into one beautiful life. The moments are hearts collided we were a complete team. Our plan was to take life together; to work through life, love and loss. We would always “chuckle” and say “my luv what would I do without you?
In this 7th year I find myself searching, grieving and asking? “My luv I don’t want to do this without you?” Our love child is 7; gifted to me by God and my husband. Her soul is beautiful, serene and at times touched by the “toxins” of this world. When she hurts; I hurt. I look to my Mark for answers to her I can not even begin to give. He is not physically here to give our child that which I can not give?
In this 7th wear I feel weak in my heart and my knees as I replay in my “head” “I am sorry he is gone.” Where I have always just picked up the pieces with no other thoughts I am thinking. I am thinking what now? How do I go on socially? What expectations are there for me? My husband is a true gift to me. I love for life; it is my nature. In this 7th year people look to me to move on? Move on? What does that mean?
In the 6th year my daughter felt as if she had to have a talk with me in Tallahassee as we were going to the Capitol to talk with legislatures about our Safety Act in her daddy’s name. She held my hand, looked up at me with those big bold hazel eyes and said “Momma you know its okay to marry someone again some day.” Daddy would want that! What? Where did that come from? Dating is not even in my vocabulary. I love for life and I am married to my one true love?
In this 7th year the same child comes to me a bit shaken and says “Momma promise me you will always be married to Daddy.” ?
In this 7th year I am lost. In a place that I never wanted to be and questions that I can not even begin to answer myself.
In this 7th year I feel. These questions I am sure have presented themselves several times but I may have just been “numb.”
In this 7th year I am love; always have been, always will be and always will possess.
In this 7th year life will always happen, their will always be mountains to climb, tears to wipe away and sorrow that will shake the soul.
In this 7th year I still believe that good wholesome love will help me through these moments. The questions, the social fears and the loss of my lover, best friend and confidant.
In this 7th year I will embrace myself and I will call on my Angel for help I will whisper “guide me my Luv, help me to do this without you.
In this 7th year I will take many deep breaths, weep for what has left my life physically and be in gratitude for the love laughter and goodness that is present in my life today. I will not look back at what is missing but what is here. I will embrace love and life and know that our hearts are still connected and that I am never alone.
In this 7th year as I heal and embrace this “journey” of mine I will lend a hand to those seeking. To teach that life and love go hand in hand and that pure love is always present and will never let you down; no matter the form. I will first take the time to mend my heart and then I will go towards those who feel powerless, empty and lost and I shall share my strength.