“IF”  0

By Melissa Wandall

What “if?”

These last few days I have been haunted by “feeling” that I should not be still “feeling” the deep loss of Mark.

Multitaskin’ Mamma (me) has been really busy. I have shuffled my daughter off to her Nana and Papa’s. Now, not that it is bad they love her, she loves them and of course it is great for them all to spend time together. I am left with a feeling of emptiness when she goes. I am left with the “if’s”; if Mark were here she would be with him or if he were here maybe he would be working and I would be with her. She is gone…I am supposed to be working and all I can think about is the “ifs.”

I have had to re-check and give myself my own advice! STOP “Iffing” and start “accepting;” when I do that I take a deep breath, move through it and stop criticizing myself for my life and my choices. I am a single mamma, I am a multitasker at its best and I am doing the best every day to take care of my home, to be a great example to my daughter, to care for my community, to advocate for safer highways, to educate on the importance of life planning, to help others move through their life and most importantly to make sure my daughters future is secure.

My life is always going to be “different” than I would have imagined. I will always feel the deep loss of Mark because I was deeply loved! That deep love has in turn allowed me to share my devotion, hope and healing for others. I think I will always say what “if?” I also think I need to give myself a break; I do accept, I do live, I do feel and I do the best I can each and every day.

Do you have too many “ifs” in your life? Please share!

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